Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
