So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
