I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
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