Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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