remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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