I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
