i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I will pee on everything he values.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
