Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
