be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
