I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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