I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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