i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
