I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
