There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
