I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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