I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
