I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
