dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
