That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
