20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
