I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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