"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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