I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
