So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
