He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
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