Well apparently he's into motor boating.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
