There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
