I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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