It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
