Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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