I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Randomize
