Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
