at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
