it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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