She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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