This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
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