I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
