I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I want her autograph on my taint
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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