I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
