"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
