put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
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