i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
My vagina is very pro this idea
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
