John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
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