Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
