So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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