I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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