i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
