i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
