She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
