I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
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