and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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