Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Randomize
