why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
