he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
