if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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